It is tough being a Yankee from Los Angeles and living in the South.
I constantly get to read all about how it is because of people like me that the South isn’t what it once was. Supposedly, we buy all the property in the South and kick out the locals, we are the reason that states like North Carolina and Georgia have changed politically, and people like yours truly is the reason that the economy is so tough here.
For that, I’m sorry. I have lived in the South since I was 9 years old so I didn’t know of my parents’ evil plot at the time. I thought they were just moving to Tennessee for a job transfer back in 1981, but little did I know they had alternate plans to divide and conquer.
Yes, I’ve learned to understand certain things about the South over the years. I’ve learned that a plain hot dog has chili on it and isn’t really plain. I’ve also learned that pronouncing the word “pecan” needs to be corrected if done incorrectly but no one should dare correct someone for the misuse of your, you’re, and yore.
Although “yore” isn’t used that often, the last time I saw the word used was in a heated argument on Facebook when one told the other “Yore an idiot.” This was followed by the other responding with “It’s Your, Yore was the donkey in Winnie the Pooh.” I am not sure which I would lay money on in a battle of IQs, but I might put everything I have on None of the Above.
If there is one thing I have learned about living in the South for all these years, it is that there is only one acceptable brand of mayonnaise. And that is Duke’s.
Now I know that there are other brands of mayonnaise on the shelves at supermarkets in the South, but I am convinced they are there for one reason only. If you buy one of those other brands, the cashier has a secret button she presses that sends a secret signal out to let everyone know that there is a Yankee in town so make them feel as unwanted as possible and send them packing for wherever it is they came from.
Now I know some of you are thinking “I have a medical condition; I can’t eat Duke’s mayonnaise.” Well, bring a doctor’s note. Because if you do not, they will Miracle Whip your butt back down to Florida.
I talked about this at one of my comedy shows and after the show, a lady came to me and said, “Mike, I will have you know that I am from the South and I do not use Duke’s Mayonnaise.”
I told her “Ma’am, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Asheville, N.C., hasn’t been part of the South in a long time.”
Now don’t get me wrong; I live in Asheville, N.C., and I love Asheville. And yes, I am a Yankee but I am a realist. And you can’t call yourself a true Southern city when in your downtown area people are taking down historical statues and replacing them with vanilla soy latte stands.
I wonder if the woman from the South who doesn’t use Duke’s mayonnaise drinks vanilla soy lattes. If she loves them and does not put chili on her dogs, then she needs to stop telling people she is from the South. Physical birthplace doesn’t make you right.
And yes, I have become Southern enough to brag about the fact that a Duke’s mayonnaise and tomato sandwich is now one of my favorites, even if I cheat somewhat as I like this combo on Hawaiian rolls more than a plain white loaf. Trust me folks, it’s worth the ridiculing from your peers.
I am hoping that being loyal to Duke’s has now made me a local and I am accepted as an adopted Southern. I know that I still don’t top my dogs with chili but that is because my body can’t handle it.
But please, you don’t have to send me back to California. I promise I use only Duke’s mayonnaise, and my issue with chili, I have a doctor’s note.
Don’t forget to listen to Mike Elis and Heather Harbin every other Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. on “The Mike on the Mic Show” on WZLA 92.9FM, voted the No. 1 radio station in the Upstate. You can turn the dial to 92.9 or tell Alex to play WZLA radio.
Mike Elis is a comic emcee and music and comedy promoter. Be sure to tune in to his radio show “The Mike on the Mic” show on WZLA 92.9FM.