Dear Aunty Pam: I’m in a quandary and thought I’d write to you for some sage advice, especially since you’re an animal lover.

I have recently moved to a senior community and live independently in a bungalow with several new neighbors. My nearest neighbor is a very sweet woman with a very sweet poodle, but the problem is that she lets him out to do his business and it ends up on my lawn or driveway.

We have strict leash laws here and residents are expected to pick up after their dogs. She is physically capable of doing so.

I just hate starting any sort of confrontation as the “new kid on the block” and I did mention to her last week that her dog left “a present” in my driveway that I nearly stepped in. She said she hadn’t noticed and was sorry, but during this past week there have been three more piles. It’s hot out and it smells, so I wind up picking it up.

Any advice?

Signed,

M.P.

Dear M.P.: Of course Aunty Pam has advice for you! With the exception of having not lived in a retirement community, I did experience the same dilemma eons ago in Los Angeles. I shared a duplex with a woman and her very young daughter who had a very large Labrador. We had equal access to a postage stamp sized front lawn out the front and it became absolutely littered in dog poo. I’m talking at least 20 piles. When I brought it to her attention she sighed and said it was her daughter’s job to clean it up (the daughter was 5 years old). I replied that it appeared the job was too much for a child and the result was no result. The dog continued to relieve himself and it was disgusting under the hot Californian sun and drew flies.

As far as Aunty Pam was concerned, this was war: I scooped up all the poo into a big plastic bag and emptied the contents directly outside her back door, which opened onto the garage. I heard the commotion through the wall the following morning as she was evidently late for work, rushed out, stepped right into it, slid, and began shrieking at the top of her lungs.

The lawn remained clean afterward.

Now, I’m not saying you do quite as I did, but do pick up a week’s worth of poo in a plastic bag and deposit the bag in front of her front door. Attach a note that reads, “I believe this belongs to you.” This should solve the issue. If it doesn’t, I’m afraid you will have to become quite firm and simply say what you said to me: that you hate to have to start any sort of confrontation but this really is a bit much. Any rational, considerate human would see the error of their ways, apologize and curb their dog. And if she doesn’t, you have no other option but to file a complaint with the management.

Here’s hoping you have a poodle poo free weekend!

Cheers, dear!

Aunty Pam

Comedian Pam Stone can be reached at pammstone@gmail.com