For many years as a radio host I would offer up a collection of what are now commonly referred to as Dad jokes — typically held back for the end of the week to air on Bad Joke Friday.

Webster’s Dictionary defines a Dad joke as, “a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny.”

Today I would like to share my favorite bad Dad jokes so, if the spirit moves you, a few of these can be added to your personal collection for future use. For attribution sake, most of the following come from @Dadsaysjokes on Instagram, a great account to follow if you like this sort of thing. And now, the jokes.

How do trees access the internet?

They log in.

My wife said, “I don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”

I said, “That makes two of us.”

A buddy of mine named his dog “5 miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles.

But today he ran over 5 miles.

Did you hear about the big Lego sale? People were lined up for blocks.

My wife says I only have two faults.

I don’t listen and something else.

What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally.

A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

How do you get a country girls attention?

A tractor.

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

My doctor has advised me to stop drinking — it’s going to be a massive change for me.

I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.

To whoever stole my Microsoft Office copy, I will find you.

You have my Word.

What do you call a dog magician?

A Labracadabrador.

I recently took a pole.

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

I’ve got a German friend who’s a sound technician.

I’ve got a Czech one too. Czech one too.

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill.

It’s a little fit bunny.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you as a waiter?

Me: For starters, I bring a lot to the table.

My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up, man. It could be worse — you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Dad, can you explain solar eclipses?

No son.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce.

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day.

It’s soda pressing.

My neighbor told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.

I told him to grow a pair.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

I took a job as the head of Old McDonald’s farm.

I am the CIEIO.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.

That’s ridiculous. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

Just heard a man had an accident while playing peek a boo

He’s currently in the ICU.

What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn’t moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

Paul Crutcher is a faculty instructor in the Department of Mass Communications at Lander University and director of social media for The Original Retro Brand. Follow him on Twitter

@paulcrutcher.

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