Twice within the last month, someone has made this comment to me:
“You’re probably a Tall White.”
How do you respond to an accurate, if not disconcerting, summation of your physical characteristics? “Thank you for noticing”? “I can’t help being born this way”? “Kinda early to be drinking, isn’t it?”
Then the explanation came from the assistant to my farrier (horseshoer), whom I won’t name (but he’s Icelandic, so I had to strain through his accent). Actually, since I’ve blabbed that he’s Icelandic, everyone around here knows exactly whom I’m talking about, so I might as well say his name, Knuter.
Not Kooter, which I mistakenly called him for nearly a year, Knuter.
Anyway, when my farrier arrives every five weeks we have three subjects we cover in the hour they spend in my barn: the newest jokes we’ve heard, politics and UFOs. But mostly UFOs.
“You haven’t heard of the Tall Whites?” Knuter asked. “You’re probably one of them.” He went on to describe a man he saw in Vienna who was so tall, Knuter’s head only reached the giant’s waist.
“Wait a minute,” I frowned, recalling something I’d seen on YouTube at 2 a.m. when I couldn’t sleep. “I think I’ve seen something about them, but aren’t the women supposed to be beautiful?”
“Well, yeah,” Knuter admitted as I turned the theory on its head.
However, since the accusation had been tossed toward me by two different people in a relatively short span, I decided to do a bit of internet surfing as I had questions I yearned to ask: Who came up with this story? Where do these aliens come from? Why don’t I also look like Brigitte Nielsen?
Are you ready for this? When I specifically searched “Tall White alien,” the very first link that popped up was a January 2014 issue of Forbes Magazine. That’s right, Forbes, the American business publication that focuses on investments and industry. Not The Weekly World News with “Batboy Found in New Jersey!” on the cover, Forbes. And here is their headline:
“Iran Says ‘Tall White’ Space Aliens Control America.”
And even crazier, they state that NSA whistleblower, Edward Snowden, provided leaked documents that “conclusively prove that the United States has been ruled by a race of tall, white space aliens who also assisted the rise of Nazi Germany in the 1930s.”
Wait a minute. If ever I needed to refresh my Evelyn Woods speed-reading course, this was the time. My heartbeat, which had been doing a Ginger Baker inspired solo returned to its normal 48 bpm as I took in the rest of the information. It seems while the news service of Iran published this story in all seriousness, they received the information from .. wait for it ... the Ruskies! According to Forbes, “The alleged alien invasion was revealed in an alleged report by Russia’s FSB spy agency, which found ‘incontrovertible proof’ that an ‘alien/extraterrestrial intelligence agenda’ is driving U.S. domestic and international policy, and has been doing so since at least 1945,” according to that Iranian news service.
I’ll let you read the article yourself as it’s fascinating, but in a nutshell, it’s described by Iran’s news service that the U.S. government was in a “cataclysmic” power struggle between President Obama (lanky black guy), who headed up an alien “shadow government” and an “unknown force that opposed this U.S. Alien alliance.” But the best part is its explanation that Russian policy makers were more than a bit scared that the “unknown force” opposing Obama and his Tall Whites (OK, so James Comey happens to be 6-foot-8) had actually aligned themselves with another alien group.
OK, there’s that public domain photo showing a giant white guy standing behind JFK that no one can identify. And Canada’s former Defence Minister Paul Hellyer, the man who was responsible for unifying Canada’s Air Force, Army and Navy into a single force, has stated that aliens are real in the presence of six American congressmen in Washington. So I’m thinking it’s time I serve my country.
Just as Dennis Rodman helped orchestrate talks with North Korea, I’m here, America, to assist in any way I can with Iranian negotiations.
Even if I don’t look like Brigitte.