Dear Aunty Pam: How come women are so dadgum hard to please? Every time I think I meet a good one after a few months, they start nagging if I have a couple of beers to relax or want to take a nap after working hard all week instead of going to Walmart with them.
I try to be good to them. I take them out when I can afford it and I haven’t never hit a woman. I’m starting to think today’s women are just too bossy and spoiled. Do you think I’ll ever meet a woman that will love me as much as my dog loves me? Signed, Waylan
Dear Waylan: “Every time I think I meet a good one after a few months they start nagging...” Well, Ernest T, perhaps you’d better save up so you can buy a really good one, instead. Now, seriously, look: Any woman ready to dive into a relationship with a man who enjoys using double negatives to boast that he’s never been involved in domestic abuse can’t be that hard to please. Therefore, Waylan, in my view, maybe, just maybe, it’s you.
Let Aunty Pam roll this delightful Shiraz around in her mouth for a moment before she goes further.
Alright, I’m back. Waylan, you won’t ever meet a woman that will love you as much as your dog. Try not to feel defeated about that and look at it this way: Dogs are known for their steadfast loyalty. They are pack animals and your dog considers you the alpha male in the very small pack you share. This means you provide the food, comfort and safety against aggressors. Your dog’s job is to push you out of bed and drag his butt across the rug when you have company, capiche? You can come home drunk, completely ignore your dog as you stare at your phone for hours, stuff your face with Doritos while making a cacophony of noises on the couch that are audible to other dogs in the Yukon and your dog won’t care.
Your dog doesn’t care! And your dog doesn’t care if you don’t change your underwear for two days, listen to Merle Haggard in the truck or leave wet towels on a bed that hasn’t been changed since Y2K. You can be lazy with a dog. You don’t ever have to change. You can remain selfish and thoughtless. All your dog cares is that you come home each night to feed him and not die during the night so you can feed him again in the morning.
What this all means, Waylan, is that a dog will love you even if you are the most wretched, nasty human on the planet. And if you smell on top of all that, that’s bonus points as far as your dog is concerned. If you want a woman that hasn’t recently been featured on the cover of Jail Birds, you’re going to have to make more of an effort. It can’t be all about you, Waylan! Relationships are about compromise, and most importantly, the willingness to put your partner first at times. That’s how you show you love them.
I mean, you can try scratching your next girlfriend behind the ears instead, but in my experience, that rarely works.