I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on television. I am not a politician, a frontliner, a news reporter, nor do I in any way have credentials that would make any hypothesis of mine relating to COVID-19 valid.

One thing I do know is that we are all going to be just fine. How do I know that? It’s really simple: Because former professional football and baseball player, and football Hall-of-Famer Deion Sanders said so. He said in a commercial, “We are all going to be just fine, I promise you that.” Whew, thank you, Deion, as I was worried there for a minute.

Yes, between the Facebook posts, the news sources, the government press conferences and professional athletes giving their expert opinions on the future of social viruses, there is one thing I can say for sure: No one is 100% certain as to what is going to come next.

Although my column is syndicated in South Carolina, my residence lies in North Carolina. I love the people of both Carolinas, but once in a while we produce someone that is one bacon strip short of a club sandwich. I always will give someone the benefit of the doubt, no matter where they fall on the intelligence scale (And let me say that I hate the word “scale” during this time of being quarantined. I stepped on mine yesterday and, instead of reading 2-0-7, it read W-T-H).

Into our news headlines walks Audrey Whitlock. Audrey is an administrator of ReOpen NC and has organized several protests of hundreds of people (gathered in a tight crowd), calling out the government for shutting down the state and then organizing rallies demanding them to reopen.

Many people thin we are overreacting to this pandemic, and some think the response to COVID-19 isn’t being taken seriously enough. Again, I am not a professional, so whatever the truth is, is. However, Audrey has an asterisk next to her purpose. You see, not only is she a protestor and making all efforts to start a movement with organized rallies to state her case, but she recently found out she has been infected with COVID-19. Shocker.

Now, it would be easy for someone such as Audrey to come out and say that it was a mistake to host large, organized rallies with no social distancing, but she has decided that after 14 days of quarantine, she is going to put people at risk by having more organized rallies. Brilliant!

Yes, North Carolina should have a separate checkout line in stores for people of this intelligence level, called “Ten brain cells or less.”

She says that being forced to stay home violates her First Amendment rights, along with her Fifth and 14th Amendment rights. No matter whether we think opening sooner or later is an intelligent decision, her need to be able to leave the house when she is possibly contagious makes me question how she can count to one, five or 14, much less be an expert in the field of political science.

If it is just delirium from being stuck at home, I get that. Maybe Audrey Whitlock was just dropped on her head and not hugged enough as a child. I get that as well. Being possibly contagious while risking the well-bring of others in efforts just to prove a point in unlawful protests where one’s followers are being arrested for violating quarantine and destroying property, yep, I’m going with “dropped on her head as a child.”

This column is dedicated to comedian and friend Chris Dubail. Chris performed at The Abbeville Opera House in October, and has since had audiences laughing at many shows with Artisan Entertainment. Sadly, Chris lost his father because of the COVID-19 virus, and our thoughts and prayers are with Chris and his family during this difficult time.

Mike Elis is a comic emcee and music and comedy promoter. He is the director of entertainment production and marketing for the Abbeville Opera House.