Every time I turn on the television, my computer, or talk to my single friends, it seems as though I cannot seem to get away from the constant reminders of the thousands of dating sites available to singles today. Not only are there enough dating sites to where all singles should be able to fill their calendars with possible suitors and suitorettes, but there are even themed sites.

I have seen and heard about dating sites for different religious beliefs, political affiliations, nationalities — ones for Star Trek fans, video game lovers and even a site for just farmers. Trust me, you can’t make this stuff up.

When I first moved to the Carolinas, one of the first commercials I saw on television was for a dating site for farmers, and I thought “this must be a joke. Well, it wasn’t. My favorite part of the commercial is a pig speaking up, voicing his concern, “I wonder if Jill will ever find her true love.” If Jill doesn’t, I can see why; if I was to ever be looking for my next Juliet on a dating site, talking farm animals would be one of my non-negotiable eliminators.

I would say that out of my 20 closest friends, 15 of them are single females. All of them talk to me about their dating site nightmares and show me the photos of the men that have asked for an evening on the town. Most of the men are in one of two poses, which are the “Here I am in front of the gym mirror” pose, or the “Look at the size of this fish that I caught” snapshot. I have to admit that seeing a guy holding up a fish on a site called “Plenty of Fish” is somewhat chuckle-worthy in itself, and it’s a good thing the site isn’t called “Plenty of Crocodiles.” I would pay to see the photos on that site.

I have one friend who has especially tough luck on dating sites, and I am trying to help her out. She is quite attractive (especially after I talked her into wearing brighter colors), super sweet and although she is very specific in what she looks for in a man, she always asks me for advice as I understand the male-female relationship very well, and I am quite honest about it.

“So, this guy and I went for coffee on our first date.” Before she could go any further, I interrupted her, “What did he order?” She asked as to why it matters, and I told her to trust me as it is very important. She replied, “Fine, he ordered a caramel macchiato.”

I instantly replied, “He’s married.”

“What? You don’t know him!” She insisted he wasn’t, but I explained how no single man would order that unless his wife ordered that for him. There are a lot of tests a woman can use to find out about a man, and what he orders at the coffee shop is one of them. Needless to say, three days later, she found out I was right.

Her next date had even clearer red flags. He was very nice looking, drove an expensive sports car and his words to her were, “You are beautiful. Pick a place you like for dinner. Money is no object.” I found his phrasing off-putting and told her that something is definitely wrong with this guy. She was excited, but after the date, explained that he talked about how great he was the entire time and never once asked about her life.

I would love to help anyone where I can when it comes to deciding who on dating sites is worthy of a first step to romance. Unlike Yelp or Tripadvisor, candidates don’t come with reviews. I am not sure why they don’t; it would save a lot of people a lot of disappointment. Dating site membership, $10 per month. New clothes for a first date, $80. Advice from Mike Elis to his friends on dating sites? Priceless.

Look for the signs. They aren’t hard to read if your vision is clear.

Don’t forget that the incredibly funny Shaun Jones will be at The Abbeville Opera House on Jan. 17. Get your tickets today.

Mike Elis is a comic emcee and music and comedy promoter. He is the director of entertainment production and marketing for the Abbeville Opera House, and his new radio show, “Mike on the Mic,” will be airing on WZLA 92.9 beginning in February.